This is for all wannabe dad’s. Upfront and personal advice from an utterly confused, freaked out and elated dad to be. The advises will play along in due course, but today I will tell you about the amazing things a daddysaurous need to undergo, before he gets to lift his proud trophy….The babysauraus.
It all started on a frigid, wet evening. My poor other half was half asleep after a tiring day at work, and I belted down a time stopping question. Do you want to lay off the pills? Her heart said ‘ hell fucking no!! , but the frail, thin and tired woman replied ‘OK’ And that opened a Pandora’s box…finally after 10,000 years of solitude, my swimmers are ready for the trial.
A few weeks down the line, the woman came out of the toilet with a drab face and reached for her bag of sanitary pads. My first response was, “thank god”, and then suddenly a strong sinking feeling swallowed me…My swimmers are worthless. I fired blank shots… a lot of blank shots to be honest. I reversed into a hypochondriac. I googled anything and everything under the sun remotely related to human reproduction and discovered I suffer from at least 23,299 diseases. Lord google suggested a lot of remedies, starting from making loooove everyday for 3 months (which sounded pretty amazing to be honest) or, practicing yoga every morning and having a shower in the ice cold water thereafter, (sounded horrible) to gulping down tiny raw fishes enhanced by a very strong Tantric chant. In short, I was armed to the teeth with wacky and not so wacky ideas. I articulated to myself, Friends, romans and countrymen. This is the hour of glory, your time has come, you are officially ready to be a daddysaurous.
Following month, she missed her periods. I very wisely, armed with my newly acquired reproductive medicine knowledge stated, ‘it’s the side result of stopping the pills’, but deep down I had a feeling, this is it!A couple of weeks passed and we resolved not to live in denial anymore. She peed on a stick, while I peed my pants…and Voila!!! My swimmer has beaten all odds and managed to ripen an egg. I wanted to scream in joy, I was so freaked out that I almost had permanent impotence, the emotion was overwhelming, I wanted to cry, I wanted to thump my chest like a gorilla, wanted to make love to her straight away, but all I did was let out a huge fart.
Astonishingly enough, right from that day, my sweet, sexy, hot partner in crime turned into a pregosauraus. She stopped drinking, stopped having oysters, prosciutto and sushi, and devoted her time to seraphine, mama’s and papa’s and other god-knows-what mom and baby websites. But that’s not all. A pregosauraus is a chameleon’s blood relative.
She turned into a huge boiling cauldron of hormones. Let me elaborate.
Scenario 1. EMOTIONAL EL NINO :- I got back from work to see her wearing a super hot dress, I said, ‘babe, you look smoking hot’ and what do you reckon the reply was. No, it was not a ‘thanks babe, I love you’ followed by a breathtaking kiss, It was ‘wolf-like’ howling followed by, ‘you just said that because I am fat’. Allow me to say this with my heart crossed, she is skinny, super skinny!!! God spare me!
Scenario 2. CRAVING CATASTROPHY:- In a busy shopping mall, we discover a quarter eaten, disgusting looking donut ( that’s why it was quarter eaten). Nobody would even mark that, and what does my progosauraus do? ‘I want donuts, I want donutss, I want doonuuuttttsssss…….” A passerby commented, ‘madam, You broke the world record for the loudest scream, I literally saw your uvula poking out of your nostrils.’ And the poor guy whispered in my ears, ‘good luck with that woman bro, she broke my wife’s record.’
Scenario 3. SLEEPING TSUNAMI:- On a very tiring night I am sleeping peacefully holding the love of my life on my chest, suddenly I start dreaming our city is affected by the worst flood humanity has ever experienced. My house, my Mac, my pet goat (in precise, everything I love) is being washed away, and my chest feels heavy and soaked. I say to myself, this dream is bloody realistic, and then I open my eyes, in a slow motion and discover, my roof is intact, my bed is intact, so is my girl, notwithstanding, the wet and heavy feeling on my chest is overwhelming. The following minute I make a startling breakthrough. My chest is drowning in almost 4 and a half liter of spit. The pregosauraus drooled like no tomorrow. Yes, The pregosauraus sleeps like the universe has come to a halt. My super active girl, who would go for miles of souls searching walks, play UNO, Cluedo and chess with me, would watch re-runs of friends, big bang theory and how I met your mother till the wee hours of the night, sleeps like a sun soaking alligator.
Days went by, we did what every normal parent would do, endured to the GP, the midwife and went to our first scan, and saw our lil bundle of joy for the first time, a supreme sense of fulfilment swallowed us. It was just the best feeling ever.
It’s amazing how different our lives are now. My lil girl is not human anymore. She wages biological warfare every day with toxic fumes emanating from her super hot backside, (she blames it on the baby), She eats like a starved hippo, I have a strong gut feeling, she can swallow a whole isle of Tesco in a flash ( she blames it on the baby ), and once in a while I can hear sounds like ‘oh god, oh yeah…mmmm yeah, hell yeah, it’s there, it’s fuckin there!! No she is not having an orgasm, she is just clogged. Constipation Maximus as I call it. (And yes, she blames it on the baby) But, guys, all is not lost in desperation and darkness. The pregosauraus is super horny! Can’t elaborate that on technical grounds, however, to pass on a hint….she is possessed by the late, Anna Nicole Smith.
Overall, it’s a scary yet amazing situation. It’s an out of the world feeling to see how the rockstar of your life, slowly transforms hesrelf into a beautiful caring, loving and protective mother. We still have heaps of fun, never forget to laugh, fight and wind each other up, and most importantly, give each other a magical hug and say I love you.
Enjoy your pregnancy to the widest. And keep an eye on this space, more to follow.